Things you didn’t know: How to cook with napalm

I love the smell of steak in the morning.

Napalm is a flammable liquid that has, until now, mainly been used in warfare in incendiary weapons and flamethrowers with disgusting results. At its simplest, it is a gelling agent mixed with petroleum. It can be used for good instead of evil, and what is a BBQ if not good? It should be noted that Internet searches on ‘how to make homemade napalm’ will probably flag you with the anti-terrorist department at the C.I.A.

What you will need;

• A few large chunks of Styrofoam

• A large glass jar

• Petroleum gasoline

• A metal oven tray

• 1x 200gm steak 

• Salt & pepper, to taste

• 1 case of beer, chilled

Crack a beer and pack the jar full of Styrofoam. Pour in the gasoline and stir with a stick. It should turn into a jelly-like substance after a few minutes. By this time, you should need another beer.  Pour the napalm onto your BBQ, where you would typically add charcoal. Light the napalm and stand well back. Be warned; this sticks like shit to a blanket, so don’t get it on your hands or any other body part. Fetch another beer and the steak. Put the oven tray on the BBQ as a hotplate and add a little oil. Season the steak and fry until cooked to your liking. Remove from heat and allow to cool. I want to tell you how to extinguish the napalm, but when we tried this at home recently, nothing worked, not water, not sand, not smothering the fire with a blanket, so I can’t offer any advice here other than to let it burn out naturally. Eat the steak, or maybe best not to. Continue with beers. 

*Health warning; burning Napalm emits high levels of carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide, which we are told are bad for you and probably not fit for consumption.